Don't remember how it feels like to be painfree
This morning when I woke up, the little girl that had slept beside me told me that "mamma when you sleep you make noises as if you are in a lot of pain". I looked at her and thought how she might have felt to have spent a night with a woman whose every movement feels like a blade cutting through the flesh. My hips hurt, my fingers hurt, knees and sometime I have a persistent dry cough that would not go away. My mouth feels as if it is filled with cotton wool which sucks the every twinkle of saliva that the body tries to produce. I wake every hour to drink the water that i strategically place by bedside every single night.
My life was not always like this. I had a lot of days when I did not even know what pain was except the times I got headaches from having too much fun. I do not feel sorry for myself as self pity does not get any one anywhere. If I decided to feel sorry for myself that would be the end of my life, I would feel defeated. I would give up living. What holds me up is the belief that there is something that I can do do at least feel better. Have some days with less pain. My arms hurt, my fingers are getting deformed.
A few days ago, I decided to join a group of people suffering have the same condition. I don't know if this is uplifting in any way. I watch their videos as some of them struggle with a task as simple as getting up from the sofa. I do laugh sometimes but I can relate. I have to plan everything I do. If I need to make some tea a combine that with a visit to the toilet so as to minimize unnecessary stress to my body.
The people around me make me want to go on with my life. My children need a mother no matter what state she is. Even though I feel like I am more of a burden to them than I am a comfort. Sometimes they understand, but they can not feel. The many trips to the doctors that we have to make. How is that a mother when you as a child are scared that you will wake up one day and she might not be able to get out of bed.
But still I find things to make me laugh and want to go on in spite of all the pain.
My life was not always like this. I had a lot of days when I did not even know what pain was except the times I got headaches from having too much fun. I do not feel sorry for myself as self pity does not get any one anywhere. If I decided to feel sorry for myself that would be the end of my life, I would feel defeated. I would give up living. What holds me up is the belief that there is something that I can do do at least feel better. Have some days with less pain. My arms hurt, my fingers are getting deformed.
A few days ago, I decided to join a group of people suffering have the same condition. I don't know if this is uplifting in any way. I watch their videos as some of them struggle with a task as simple as getting up from the sofa. I do laugh sometimes but I can relate. I have to plan everything I do. If I need to make some tea a combine that with a visit to the toilet so as to minimize unnecessary stress to my body.
The people around me make me want to go on with my life. My children need a mother no matter what state she is. Even though I feel like I am more of a burden to them than I am a comfort. Sometimes they understand, but they can not feel. The many trips to the doctors that we have to make. How is that a mother when you as a child are scared that you will wake up one day and she might not be able to get out of bed.
But still I find things to make me laugh and want to go on in spite of all the pain.
Comments
Post a Comment